3 ways to maintain your marriage even with kids

For better or worse, in sickness and in health

By Bernice Gan 

Many of us parents spend time and effort to learn how to be better parents. We read parenting books, attend parenting talks and join parenting groups to find out how we can give our best for our children. But do we also make it a priority to invest in the relationship with our spouse? 

A strong marriage is the basis of a happy and stable environment for children to grow up in. Having a loving home and family which nurtures and inculcates positive values in children can support their well-being growing up. How can we nurture our marital relationship in order to build strong family relationships?   

1) Make time for one another  

Photo by Unsplash / Andrew Wise

There is a saying that goes “Love is spelt T-I-M-E”. While we often talk about spending quality time with our children, it is also important to set aside quality time to spend with our spouse. 

Do you have time set aside daily, weekly and annually to spend together? Do you have a daily “couch time” when you catch up on each other’s day? “Couch time” need not necessarily be sitting on a couch; it can take the form of taking an evening walk together or relaxing over a cup of coffee or tea after dinner 

After marriage, it is important to continue to date one another, even more so when children come along. When daddy and mummy are happy in their relationship, they can then build a happy environment for the children to grow up in.  

Take time to celebrate special occasions such as birthdays and wedding anniversaries together. Date nights may take a bit of planning, especially when you have young kids, but it is well worth the effort to strengthen your marriage. 

When my children were younger, they would ask me on my weekly date night if I really needed to go out with daddy and I would reply that it is for their good that daddy and I spent time together! 

While spending quality time is important, communication is also crucial.  

2) Speak each other’s love language

Photo by Unsplash / Hannah Busing

In Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages”, he mentions 5 different ways of giving and receiving love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time & Physical Touch.  

Do you know your own and your spouse’s love language? If not, take this quiz to find out.  

We often show love in our own love language, for example, a person whose love language is “words of affirmation” will speak encouraging words. However, if his or her spouse’s love language is “acts of service”, they will think that actions speak louder than words! 

Try these expressions of love on birthdays, anniversaries or any other ordinary day.

 If your spouse’s love language is “words of affirmation”, pen a card to show your appreciation for who your spouse is and what they have done for you and the family. If it is “acts of service”, whip up a meal or help with a household chore that your spouse dislikes doing. If your spouse enjoys “receiving gifts”, give a thoughtful present – it doesn’t have to be expensive!  

Carve time out of your schedules to spend together and have meaningful conversations when spending time, if your spouse appreciates “quality time”. And for those who like “physical touch”, hold hands, hug or give a massage.  

Find out what expressions of love are meaningful to them. For example, my husband’s love language is “quality time”, but it is a lot more than simply spending time together. To him, it is being “connected” – listening to each other and being understood, as well as exchanging ideas on topics he is passionate about. 

When we show love in a way that our partner feels loved, they will appreciate it a lot more. 

3) Listen to one another

Photo by Unsplash / Khamkéo Vilaysing

Listening takes effort. We need to give full attention by listening with our body (giving eye contact and nodding) and most importantly, listening with our heart (showing empathy and withholding judgement). 

Sometimes we may interrupt or jump in to give advice or reassurance too quickly before the other party has a chance to process their feelings. Sometimes we may go off on a tangent by recounting history and letting past hurts cloud the present situation. Other times, we may interpret what is said as a personal attack when the other party is simply trying to express what they are feeling. 

Good effective listening involves putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes and acknowledging their feelings.

We can do so by reflecting back what they have expressed, for example, saying, “I hear that you are disappointed about this situation…” This ensures that you have understood them correctly, helping them to feel that they have been heard.  

Active listening also involves asking relevant follow-up questions to allow the other party to explain why they feel upset, which will enable us to understand them more clearly. When we allow each other to talk and give each other the gift of listening, we will communicate better and build a stronger relationship.  

After all, marriage is a journey of getting to know your spouse better and being there for one another through the good and bad times. When we invest in our marriage, we also allow our children to grow up within a loving environment.  

Reflect:

  1. What expressions of love are meaningful to your spouse?
  2. What’s one thing from this article that you can commit to in the next week? Share it with your spouse so you can keep each other accountable!  
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